Gender Bender

Brandon lives in a relatively sheltered world.  He attends a NYS approved non-public school for children on the spectrum, and his entire school day is spent with other children on the spectrum.  I've had my moments of questioning the wisdom of this; after all, he has little exposure to neurotypical peers, or the neurotypical learning experience in general.  Over the past few years though, I've had many occasions to see his class together, and how wonderfully supporting and accepting they are of each other, in all their quirky, autistic glory.  Brandon, on a day to day basis, has never had reason to question any of the things he loves that make him uniquely Brandon.

Brandon has recently fallen irrevocably in love.  It's not the first time.  The current object of his affections happens to be a gloriously red haired mermaid by the name of Ariel.  Yep, Brandon is seriously crushing on the Little Mermaid.  If you look at my last post, you'll see a picture of him snuggling up to the stuffed incarnation of her he received for Christmas.  Ariel has gone to school, several times.  To the best of my knowledge, no one there has ever questioned what a nine year old boy is doing toting around a stuffed mermaid.  She's simply been accepted into the classroom as part of Brandon's richly detailed fantasy play, where he is her friend/suitor, depending upon his mood.

Personally, I'm going with it.  He's found great joy in watching The Little Mermaid, as well as old episodes of the cartoon on the Hub.  He enjoys acting out sea adventures featuring Ariel, and I think, at almost 10, has also found a safe way of trying out what it's like to feel affection for a female.  After all, this is the same kid who greeted me from work the other night by asking, "Hey Mom, want to see what I do to attract the ladies?", and then flipping up his t-shirt to show off his belly.  If my boy wants a pink Little Mermaid birthday party this year, he's getting it, gender roles be damned.

I recently received an ugly reminder that the rest of the world doesn't quite see things this way.  Our babysitter, Geri, was on her way to the dentist with the kids, loaded down with stuffed toys for them.  Dentists are anxiety provoking, so G-d love her, she's willing to tote the entire house full of stuffed animals if they ask her.  On the way to the bus, she bumped into a friend from the PTA at Cady's school.

Each child was holding their new stuffed puppy in a carrying case, so said friend asked where they were going "all dressed up."  Geri explained what they were, and that the kids were toting them to go to the dentist.  The friend looked at Ariel, still in Geri's arms, and asked, "What's that, then?"  "Oh, it's Brandon's", Geri answered, without thinking twice about it.  The friend paused for a moment, then asked, "Isn't that a little g-a-y?"  "It's what he likes", Geri replied.  "Well, shouldn't you redirect...?", said the friend.  "No", Geri firmly replied, and got the kids moving.  When she relayed the story to me later that night, she was *pissed*, with good reason.  Who is this woman to question my sons' choices?  Not to mention the utter disrespect in assuming that Brandon wouldn't understand her spelling, or her words.  What right did this woman have to question anything about him, or to speak about him, in front of him?  More importantly, what right did she have to assume that a choice of a doll inherently is wrong for a boy, or makes him potentially homosexual?  And if he were homosexual, to automatically make the assumption that this is wrong, would somehow make my boy broken in her eyes?

The whole encounter solidified something for me.  We have a long, long way to go people.   Being L, G, B or T is not a choice.  Neither is being autistic.  All are in desperate need of civil rights, of being recognized as, in the immortal words of Temple Grandin, "Different, but not less."  And our world is in desperate need of more open minds.  So the next time you see a boy playing with a mermaid - or a girl playing with a dump truck - try this:  Marvel at their amazing pretend play skills.  Join them in their rich fantasy world.  Just enjoy them for the wonderful, unique human beings they are.